All Other Things

This Just In – Issue 2

Posted on: April 25, 2008

Angelina Jolie is the First and Only Individual to Adopt Children. Ever.

By Nnenne O. Una

Published: April 25, 2008

HOLLYWOOD – How can we have ever thought that the media made too big a deal about Angelina Jolie adopting to complete her family? Many have complained that the media should leave her and her family alone and stop with their fascination with critiquing her every move when it comes to building her family. However, scientists have now proven that the treatment, previously thought of as annoying and intrusive, is actually warranted.

Historians researching the history of adoption have stumbled across the fact that Angelina is the first and only person to ever adopt children in the history of mankind. Ever. The accidental discovery came during research originally intended to study the media’s preoccupation with continually referring to Maddox, Zahara and Pax as the adopted children and Shiloh as the only natural child. (Note. Brad Pitt is apparently the adoptive father of the three children, but many seem to only recognize Angelina as the lone adoptive parent). Historians delved deeper into this topic only to find proof that Angelina is in fact the person who invented adoption.

This discovery comes as a bit of a surprise, according to Moses Benighted, a professor of Adoption History at Vexatious University, Hollywood, who is leading the research. Professor Benighted said: “This is the first time that we have realized that Ms. Jolie actually discovered and came up with the concept to adopt children. However, we should have recognized the signs. The media – television, newspapers, and magazines – constantly bombard us with indications. Daily they feature stories about these adopted children, the fact that they are adopted, and the fact that Jolie and Pitt are not the “real” parents and that they adopted these adopted children. We are slightly embarrassed that we talented and educated historians did not recognize it earlier.”

Many may be confused at this finding as they thought that adoption had been in existence since the beginning of man. These people will be surprised to know that they have been grossly mistaken about Moses, Esther and even Jesus.

Professor Benighted and other leading historians say that this discovery is important because it now gives the media real permission to discredit Maddox, Zahara and Pax as their parent’s children. It now actually makes sense to say, in response to Angelina’s current pregnancy, that the couple is expecting their second child (or third if twin speculations are true). Never mind that there are three other children in the family. Never mind that Jolie and Pitt consider them to be their children. Never mind that they are considered the children of Jolie and Pitt in the eyes of the law. Never mind that anyone with common sense… Shiloh and the result of this pregnancy are the only natural children. Everybody knows that. The other three are obviously fake.

Further research has also found that Angelina Jolie is the first individual in history to be the mother of multiple children. Although the original number of children that a person could have was 2.5 (as dictated by the law), Jolie has broken this rule and added 1.5 more and by this summer will have one or even two to add to her collection! And yes, collection is the correct term, because obviously when a person chooses to adopt, it is purely for aesthetics and for not love or to build a family. And when she comments on having more kids? Come on now! How can an individual believe that she has a right to have kids? Ludicrous.

We can now laugh and actually appreciate the repeated jokes where a grown individual asks Angelina to adopt him. Also, we can slap our knees, like we have always wanted to, when a person likens Jolie’s actions to collecting dolls. We can all agree that this is just a ploy for fame and not something she has wanted to do since childhood, like she alleges. We can now overlook the fact that every single article printed separates the Jolie-Pitt children into two categories: adopted and biological. No more will we have to pretend that these jokes and comments are tired, old and frankly annoying.

Furthermore, it is now 100% acceptable to believe and constantly comment on the “fact” that Angelina either: (a) loves Shiloh more because she’s not adopted; or b) loves Shiloh less because she’s not adopted.

Phew. What a relief. Thank God for new discoveries.

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2 Responses to "This Just In – Issue 2"

That’s ridiculous…
Leave the woman alone for God’s sake!

This is absolutely ridiculous. Just because some people don’t understand the woman, they criticize her. And so what if she adopted? She didn’t do anything wrong. She has been minding her own business. Its the papparazzi and people like that who go digging into her life and coming up with their own theories. She never asked that of anyone. She has never said or shown any signs that she likes one kid over the other. They are all her kids whether biological or adopted. So she wants a big family? Whats the problem in that? Its her wish. ‘A ploy for fame’?? There are so many other ways to be famous and if she really wanted all that attention, she knows better ways of getting it. But she is not such a person. She has a life and a family whom she cares about. Leave her alone!

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